As the end of the year draws closer I am typically catching up on games I missed for GOTY discussions. I’m currently halfway through Alan Wake II for God’s sake. So why did I spend my evening playing Foot Clinic?

The short answer is, as always, because I am an idiot. But let’s ignore that. In this thrilling foot clinic simulator you are tasked with various minigames requiring no skill with no stakes. Can you handle the complete lack of pressure?

Common ailments include objects stuck haphazardly into feet, ingrown toenails, boils, calluses and hairy feet which you will unlock special tools for as you progress through the game. Unlocking all tools and their variation skins will take no time at all, but that’s still more time than most would be willing to dedicate. Not me though. Got em all.

The tasks all pretty much just involve moving the cursor to the ailment but some jobs will give you an option. Like which nail polish colour or tattoo you should apply? The answer is always the one on the right. Every. Single. Time. That said I don’t think there is a penalty for picking the wrong one.

Best of all as a full service foot specialist you’re also acutely aware of, what I’m guessing is COVID. Someone looks sick? Give em a quick test and then spray them with a “vaccine”. You charge them around 1.5 grand for this so, I can’t really blame them for the hustle. I’d do it. You look sick. Let me spray you with Lynx (Axe for the international reader).

Once a client is fully serviced you get a nice before and after shot. These have the same general level of attention as you would expect.

In this case I apparently preformed blackface on a foot. Blackfoot? That didn’t have to be a term until now. This game is forcing us to expand language and that’s a gift we can all benefit from.

Thankfully I bought the complete edition on Switch which gives me both smelly feet possibilities and therapeutic tiny fish to nibble away my clients dead skin!

As you make mad foot-dollars you can upgrade your space. This has no effect other than making me feel successful. I’m not a failure. I gave up on my dreams to priorities other parts of my life. Do I regret it? Sometimes but we can’t dwell on what could have been. Take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves to you now. Like my excellent table and chair setup.

Overall this game isn’t horny enough for anyone but the most dedicated foot fetishist.